Warning: This post contains stuff I don't really like to discuss or think about, but I'm going to anyways because it's on my mind.
Every once in a while, fear creeps up on me. I am a pretty strong willed, independent person that thinks I can conquer anything. But sometimes, I let fear in. I know the career that Joel chose puts our family in a dangerous position. I know that at any second, our worlds can be turned upside down. I normally choose to block it ou and not think about it. I push it to the far edges of my mind.
But ya know, it's been bugging me lately. I'm not sure why. There hasn't really been anything to provoke these thoughts, but I know that the potential is there that he could be gone in a flash. Any call could become a dangerous situation. Any traffic stop could turn into a shooting, a car accident where he is run over, or a violent situation. My family could be ripped apart in the blink of an eye. That is my reality.
I don't like showing weakness. I should be the strong and optimistic wife. And I am. Normally. But I see the crazy in people, I see the anguish, the anger, and the need to lash out. More often than not, they lash out at themselves, but they could just as easily lash out at someone else. I feel safe in my own home, but I also know that at any point, an angry person could want to get revenge on a cop and we could be targets for something. Again, that is my reality.
Do I really think that Joel has done anything to warrant this? Absolutely not. But I know that if something were to happen, it's a desperate person doing a desperate act. They don't think of the families behind the men/women. They don't think of the consequences. The anger and despair drives them to do something and unfortunately, it often causes them to act out. And all it takes is a call to the police department and Joel to respond to a call for this to occur.
He knows that any call could end like this. He has training, knowledge, and experience in handling these situations. But no amount of these can prevent someone from doing what they want, and that's the scary thing. Joel could get ambushed. He could get set up. It's terrifying. Sure, WC is a fairly safe community with little violence, but in his 18 months, he's had his share of scary situations.
Some wives choose to be blind and ignorant to the danger. I usually want to know about it. I like to know that he successfully diffused a situation and made things better for someone. Or, I like to know that he got the bad guy. It makes me thankful when he walks in the door. But I fear the day that he doesn't. I fear the day that someone else comes to the door or calls. What would I do if he wasn't there? Would I be able to continue on with my life? What would I tell Tessa? Would I lose my mind and shut myself in my house? I hope to never have to find out.
I know that anyone could lose a loved one at any moment, but my reality sucks sometimes. So, I make a conscious effort to hug and kiss him everyday when he leaves and every morning when I leave for work when he's sleeping. I won't allow myself the possibility to leave on anything but love.